How to Fight Fair: Tips for Having Better Arguments

You just got into a fight with your partner.  Again.  And, again, there was no resolution.  You walked away unhappy and without any hope that things would get better.  You know that a certain amount of fighting is normal in relationships, but is it really normal for things to be this bad? 

We all get into fights in our relationships.  And, sometimes, we all find ourselves wondering what went wrong and wishing we could take back the things we said.  Although fighting in relationships is normal, some ways of fighting are more damaging than others.  According to John and Julie Gottman (two of the foremost experts in the country when it comes to couples), there are four things in particular that are damaging to relationships.  The Gottmans call these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and you can improve your relationships a lot simply by avoiding these behaviors and replacing them with their antidotes.  Here they are:

1. Criticism: This happens when you express your complaints as a flaw in the other person's character (example: "You're so selfish!").  The antidote to this is called a soft start-up, where you address a problem by focusing on your own needs rather than what you think is wrong with the other person (example: "I need you to take care of me right now.")

2. Defensiveness: This is when you respond to your partner's complaint with an innocent victim stance ("It's not my fault! I didn't do anything wrong!")  The antidote to defensiveness is to honestly look at your actions and take responsibility for them, even if it's only in a small way ("I could have said that in a nicer way," or "I may have overreacted").

3. Contempt: In therapy, I often see contempt in the form of body language; eye rolls, patronizing sighs, and condescending laughter.  When you say things or use body language that suggests the other person is stupid, unattractive, unsophisticated, embarrassing, or somehow beneath you, you are treating them with contempt.  The best way to combat contempt is with appreciation.  Practice thinking about the things you love and admire about your partner and make an effort to communicate those things often.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when arguments start to get too intense and one person just shuts down emotionally.  It's usually one person's attempt to keep the argument from getting worse and to stay in control of themselves.  The problem is that it puts a complete stop to communication and leaves the other person hanging.  To keep yourself from stonewalling, you need to self-soothe.  This might mean leaving the room, going for a walk, doing a short meditation, or finding other ways to calm yourself down.  Then, when you feel more in control, you need to go back to your partner and pick up where you left off.

If you find your fights often get out of control, chances are you and your partner are using one or more of the four horsemen.  Try replacing those behaviors with the antidotes next time, and then tell me what you think!  I'd love to hear how it goes.