Okay, so in my last post I wrote about how the most important factor in effective therapy is the relationship between you and your therapist.  While this is true, and you should absolutely go with your gut when deciding who to hire as your therapist, I'm very aware that some of you may have been dissatisfied with my advice.  After all, it leaves open the very obvious question of HOW to find a therapist that you connect with.  So this post is for all of you planners who want something more specific and concrete than "go with your gut".  Let's get to it.  If you're like me, then when you set out to hire pretty much anyone for anything, you

start with personal referrals. 

Can anyone you know recommend a good therapist?  This is a great place to start, and more people than you know have been to therapy (trust me on this one).  Ask them what they liked about their therapist and if there was anything they didn't like.  Ask if therapy helped and how quickly.  Really, ask anything that you're curious about and that doesn't feel too intrusive. You can also always

ask your doctor.

Your doctor, hopefully, has vetted a few therapists over time and will have a short-list of people he or she recommends.  However, if you come up empty handed with personal referrals and your doctor doesn't have someone (and again, you're like me), the next place you may search is on Yelp.  Yelp is normally great, but when it comes to counseling, the following has to be said:

Please don't look for your therapist on Yelp.

Or if you do, at least understand the limitations.  Here's why: therapists in San Diego -- and in California as a whole and I'm guessing in all the other states, too -- are not allowed to ask for recommendations from clients. Although it's a grey area, many therapists remove the recommendations they have on their Yelp accounts because they think it's against our code to leave them there.  Others feel it's okay as long as they didn't request those recommendations, and these therapists leave their profiles and the comments up.  Bottom line, though, is that when great therapists are actively removing the positive things people are saying about them on Yelp, it becomes less reliable for finding a therapist than it would be for finding, say, a plumber.  At this stage in the game, after no luck with friends and family and after bypassing Yelp, you may be forced to (gulp)

Google it. 

I hate using Google to find services because it's so overwhelming and I have no way of knowing the quality of the people who show up on the searches.  However, when looking for a counselor, it's entirely possible that you may find yourself staring at The Dreaded Google and typing in search terms.  If this is you, here are a few general tips:

1. Look for someone who specializes in your problem, not someone who sees "everyone for everything". 
2. Do a little research into effective treatment methods for your problem, and then search for therapists who use those methods in your area (for example, if you have post-traumatic stress disorder, you might find that EMDR is an effective treatment for PTSD.  You can then search for "EMDR therapy, San Diego").
3. If the therapy looks too expensive, don't immediately write it off; you may be able to use your insurance, and some therapists may offer a sliding scale.  If you like the therapist, you owe it to yourself to dig a little deeper and ask about options before moving on.
4. Be aware of the process when you look for your therapist.  In other words, did this person return your call or email in a reasonable amount of time?  Did he or she address your needs and give you enough time and space to ask your questions?  You definitely don't want a therapist who can't or won't be responsive to your needs. 
5. Finally, look for someone you feel good about, whether that's from speaking to them on the phone or going through their website. As I said in my last post, if you feel a strong connection to your therapist, chances are you will have a great experience in therapy.

I love hearing from you guys, so send me a message or comment on this post to let me know what you think.  Did I miss anything important?  Is there anything else you want to know about finding the right therapist for you?

The Number One Thing to Look for in a Therapist

If you're out there and you've decided you need therapy, it can be more than a little overwhelming to find the right therapist for you.  You'll probably be looking at location, cost, specializations, approaches to therapy, and, if you want to use your insurance, you'll want to know if they accept it.  But really, the biggest concern you're likely to have is how to find a therapist who can actually help you with your problem quickly and effectively.  If you could find that person, you might be willing to travel farther or pay more, and you probably wouldn't care too much about their specific approach to therapy.

So let me tell you a little secret.  The number one thing that determines whether or not therapy will work is actually how much you like your therapist!  There have been so many studies about this, and they all point to the idea that the relationship between the client and the therapist is the single most important factor in therapeutic success.  There are a lot of great therapists out there, but not all of them will be great for you.  So the best thing you can do to find your therapist is to check out their websites (which you're already doing - way to go!), get them on the phone or send them an email, and do whatever you can to try to get to know them.  If it feels good, if you feel confident in this person and at ease with them, chances are therapy will be good for you.  On the other hand, if for some reason you get a bad vibe or even if you just don't click, therapy with this person might not work out no matter how many credentials they have, no matter how cheap and convenient.  Good luck in your search and let me know how it goes in the comments section!

Managing Stress and Depression During the Holidays

It’s such a great time of year right now.  With Thanksgiving out of the way and Christmas and Hanukkah just around the corner, it’s a time when many people regroup and focus their energies on being both grateful for what they have and generous toward those less fortunate.  It’s also the time of year when many people experience an uptick in stress and depression.  If this is you, here are a few tips to help you get through this holiday season.

Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling

If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays can be especially hard.  Sometimes, one of the best things you can do for yourself is reduce or remove the pressure to “act happy.”  If you experience sadness, try acknowledging that feeling and sitting with it for a while without judgment.  Then, if and when you’re ready, allow yourself to move on to something else.

Manage your expectations

Part of what it means to be human is that we can never be perfect.  Release yourself (and your family) from that expectation.  If you can, you will definitely find yourself less stressed out and more able to enjoy the beauty in the time you get to share with your loved ones this season.

Manage your spending 

Part of managing your expectations means being realistic with what you can afford to spend.  If you want to give more, remember that homemade gifts can be great (cookies, anyone?), but even those aren’t really necessary: everyone spending time together is a present in and of itself.

Connect with your loved ones

If you start to feel sad or overwhelmed, it can be tempting to stay under the covers and make excuses to stay home, but tempting as it is, it’s not likely to help your mood.  Please try to find a way to interact with people who love and support you, even if that’s just through a phone call or even a text.  It will likely make a big difference.

Plan ahead! 

If you have a lot going on and lack of planning stresses you out, then take the time to make a list and schedule tasks on a calendar.  While you’re at it, go ahead and pencil in some time for self-care.  It will help reduce stress, and with all the stress of the holidays, you definitely deserve.

How to Fight Fair: Tips for Having Better Arguments

You just got into a fight with your partner.  Again.  And, again, there was no resolution.  You walked away unhappy and without any hope that things would get better.  You know that a certain amount of fighting is normal in relationships, but is it really normal for things to be this bad? 

We all get into fights in our relationships.  And, sometimes, we all find ourselves wondering what went wrong and wishing we could take back the things we said.  Although fighting in relationships is normal, some ways of fighting are more damaging than others.  According to John and Julie Gottman (two of the foremost experts in the country when it comes to couples), there are four things in particular that are damaging to relationships.  The Gottmans call these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and you can improve your relationships a lot simply by avoiding these behaviors and replacing them with their antidotes.  Here they are:

1. Criticism: This happens when you express your complaints as a flaw in the other person's character (example: "You're so selfish!").  The antidote to this is called a soft start-up, where you address a problem by focusing on your own needs rather than what you think is wrong with the other person (example: "I need you to take care of me right now.")

2. Defensiveness: This is when you respond to your partner's complaint with an innocent victim stance ("It's not my fault! I didn't do anything wrong!")  The antidote to defensiveness is to honestly look at your actions and take responsibility for them, even if it's only in a small way ("I could have said that in a nicer way," or "I may have overreacted").

3. Contempt: In therapy, I often see contempt in the form of body language; eye rolls, patronizing sighs, and condescending laughter.  When you say things or use body language that suggests the other person is stupid, unattractive, unsophisticated, embarrassing, or somehow beneath you, you are treating them with contempt.  The best way to combat contempt is with appreciation.  Practice thinking about the things you love and admire about your partner and make an effort to communicate those things often.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when arguments start to get too intense and one person just shuts down emotionally.  It's usually one person's attempt to keep the argument from getting worse and to stay in control of themselves.  The problem is that it puts a complete stop to communication and leaves the other person hanging.  To keep yourself from stonewalling, you need to self-soothe.  This might mean leaving the room, going for a walk, doing a short meditation, or finding other ways to calm yourself down.  Then, when you feel more in control, you need to go back to your partner and pick up where you left off.

If you find your fights often get out of control, chances are you and your partner are using one or more of the four horsemen.  Try replacing those behaviors with the antidotes next time, and then tell me what you think!  I'd love to hear how it goes.

Four Ways to Build a Deeper Connection with your Partner

Do you find that you and your partner have drifted apart over time?  Do you feel lonely in your relationship, like you have a roommate instead of a partner?  Just like a garden, a relationship needs regular attention and some key ingredients in order to thrive.  Whether your relationship is brand new or you’ve been together for decades, here are four key ingredients to rebuilding connection with your partner.

Communicate 

Talk to your partner, especially if you tend to be quiet.  And while there’s no harm in letting your partner know what you ate for lunch that day, this isn’t really the kind of communication I’m talking about.  It might help to think about what you talked about when you first got together.  Think values, hopes, and dreams.  Also, are you stressed out right now?  Have you been feeling down?  Is there any way your partner can support you?  This is the sort of deeper communication that will strengthen your bond and shorten the distance between you.

Listen 

You knew this was next, right?  I wasn’t going to just tell you to start talking without also asking you to listen to your partner as well.  When listening, you want to give verbal and nonverbal cues that you’re paying attention.  In order for your partner to feel safe and supported, it’s also key to be nonjudgmental and also to avoid giving advice unless it is specifically asked for.  Just listening to your partner’s problems without trying to fix them can do a lot of good.

Stay curious 

As relationships grow older, it’s natural for curiosity to wane.  We start to assume that we know everything there is to know about our partners and sometimes feel we ourselves have nothing else to say.  In the best relationships, however, partners make a habit of being curious about each other’s inner lives: they make fewer assumptions and ask more questions. 

Make time for each other

If you have to pencil it into your schedule, do it.  Find a time for just the two of you to be together, doing something that you enjoy.  What you do doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you are fully present in the moment, sharing the moment with your partner.